There are women who deliver their babies without ever entering a birth preparation class. Great! Courageous. That was not an option for me. With a drawn pen and block I was sitting in the units – and my midwife would most likely like to put my PDA on my permanent questions. In short: I was a pregnancy nerd. Acupuncture, acupressure, yoga: my husband ( … he was a volunteer – says the good at least ) and in the months leading up to the birth of our daughter I ticked off everything on the checklist for expectant mothers. And actually learned a lot. I almost hunched in a trance in the delivery room and pressed myself like a world champion. And yet, in the moments before birth, shortly thereafter, and in the days before we could leave the hospital, a few things happened, to which I had NOT been prepared, but really NOTHING, really prepared. Because I believe that the ugly truth is always better than the euphemistic lie, I do not want to withhold it from you:

When things get serious, you go crazy. So I. Oh but. I thought that I was ready. After all, I had a few months to adapt to it. But the moment I was rolled into the delivery room, I saw the implements, the midwife, the nurses flitting around and organizing: all of a sudden the panic rolled over me, nasty and in the back. From now on, I could not brake anymore – the train had left the station. This baby would be born NOW. I would have liked to ask all present, if we can wait maybe half an hour. I really wanted! You must have looked at it well, otherwise my husband would not have immediately asked if "everything is alright". Luckily I suppressed the screeching impulse and with a shaking voice "I'm fine, I'm fine!" mumbled. Remember, it is sometimes better to hide the panic from those people who would call the ambulance immediately. Do not think that a cross stitch saves you all pain. I admit: I have not endured all the pain heroically. After a few hours in labor I was so exhausted that I could only croak more "drugs, drugs – immediately with the drugs". I got a cross stitch (PDA). The did not hurt at all – except for a small prick and some pressure in the back. But was the rest of the birth pain free? No. It was still a hell of a ride. Dear other mothers: Either the PDA did not work for me. Or she just does not look as stupefying as I expected. Maybe I am also the most vain Sissi on this planet. Don 't judge me. What is there in my body? I did not have a dew, that when the baby escapes the birth canal and the placenta ( small tip on the edge: Do not make my mistake and let them show you! Against this sight, the movie "Alien" is a fairy tale!) was still, INCREDIBLY MUCH of my body escapes. You're lying in your cot now enjoying your hospital pudding when suddenly something runs between your thighs. And believe me, there are truly more beautiful moments than when stuff gets out of your vagina during your polite conversation with your mother-in-law. And have I already mentioned this immense bleeding? I was still bleeding for days, if not weeks, after birth. What leads me to the next dream (a) ….: … the sexy after-birth lingerie. In the first days in the hospital, you will be put into a highly unisex underpants with oversized sanitary napkins. Damn sexy. Probably but strengthens the fact that you have to wear BOTH diapers, the mother-child bond. I have a slight doubt …

The most painful massage of all time. Did you know that the nurses occasionally come by to massage you? If you are now looking forward to a pleasant and above all free neck loosening: forget it again. They massaged your abdomen just where another 8-kilo baby recently demanded its place and on which (in the case of a caesarean section) someone just snipped and stapled around. It hurts. It really really hurts. This also changes the positive effect that your uterus will contract faster thanks to this massage, nothing. "My little, sweet …. snore!" After giving birth, I was on magnesium because I suffered from pre-eclampsia during pregnancy (associated with high blood pressure and too much protein in the urine). Oh well. Magnesium makes you extremely sleepy. So sleepy that I fell asleep with my spoon in my mouth the first day. In short: The first precious days after the birth of my daughter, I had to pull myself together to stay awake at least half an hour at a time. I do not want to be Dolly Buster. Yes, I knew that the milk would come in. But I was not aware in advance that I would almost overnight turn into a busty monster that squeaking at the slightest pressure on the breasts would be the most and at the worst moments milk marks on the T-shirt. Do not get me wrong: I breastfeed my daughter, it was quiet, intimate moments that I really enjoyed. But all the trappings, the aching breasts, the sore nipples – no, I would have gladly and without it. These were just a few of the more unpleasant things I experienced before, during, and after birth. But you know what? I am grateful for that. Because the most important thing that teaches such a birth is: when you have shouted, strangled, bled, pressed and puffed in front of strangers (you forgive my directness) or shuffled across a hospital corridor in a unsexy nightgown with dripping giant breasts then you learn to see many things more relaxed. (A quality that you'll need soon, by the way – for example, when your baby burps a milk puff over your shoulder on your T-shirt for the first time) ….